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Doubt

“Чужая душа — потёмки.”
“The other’s soul — darkness.”
    ~ Russian proverb

I doubt there are accidents
     Or the love of someone who felt enough like home
         Intimidating as it is
             Given the artfully woven tapestry that’s life
                 To pull too strong on any of the threads

Whoever she was I was too much
     The nerd the activist poet who’d care enough what’s past
         The friendly surface materially strong but
             Woven in threads of desolation unknown then
                 We kissed deeper than could be real

Today’s headlines on abating the desolation of Houston
     Leave aside the wreaking more of it upon Raqqa
         Both causes subsidized by the increasing ranks of women
             Of the strongest nation become service-oriented
                 With a too friendly smile and who knows what scowl

I kept skulking around that same town for two years
     After the enchanted evening she made clear enough
         How strongly she needed me
             To go on fucking myself
                 She never cared enough too to check up

Before we met I’d dropped out of the church
     That had felt enough like home
         Because of the strong friendly surface
             And the ancient music too whose visionary enchantment
                 Was mostly unknown

One thing I know is the strongest causes
     Constructive and destructive alike
         For which my tax dollars are overcommitted
             Intimidating as it is I care enough to check up
                 My smiles and scowls too real

Once she became but a muse I thoroughly got to know
     The feeling not for the first time too of a cracked vertebra
         These material forms but manifest
             Messages clear enough
                 Something once strong still deeper within is broken

I dare not pull enough to know where this thread leads
     Lest I fall again backwards into the unknown
         As art falls apart leaving me holding
             Onto nothing given I know too
                 No one’s ever been there strong to catch me

    September 2017

Thanks always returns

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